“Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.”
— Conan of Cimmeria in “Tower of the Elephant,” by Robert E. Howard
“If you’re afraid to defend your convictions because you might get your ass kicked for it, you’re not really fit to advocate for them.”
— James Carlos Blake
Wild Bill Hickock settles his differences with Dave Tutt in the public square at Springfield, Missouri. Art by Andy Thomas.
The little town where I live and work has a “civility problem,” or at least it feels that it does. What it really boils down to is a handful of people who seem to find their purpose in life through picking fly shit out of pepper, making mountains out of molehills (food cart apocalypse!) — and making a hobby out of impugning not only people’s actions, but their motives and their personal integrity.
They have gotten away with this in part because one of them has a Trumpesque propensity to threaten lawsuits against anyone who says a cross word to or about him — and has actually sued enough people and institutions to give folks pause. Which is a shame.
There’s also been a bit of a problem with a public official who seems to have a compulsion to talk shit about too many people to too many people, which has landed him in hot water. And, sometimes, legitimate citizen concerns have been conflated with mere obstructionism and have been treated with scorn and derision. Public officials who get their back up and express contempt for their constituents are both wrong and foolish. Civility is, obviously, a two-way street.
There have been a few hot issues that have pitted neighbor against neighbor, where feelings have been hurt and friendships strained over stuff that’s maybe not worth that.
The most vocal of the critic-chorus — a species Theodore Roosevelt called out as “the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better” — tend to take advantage of the fact that most of their targets represent institutions that are bigger than themselves, and therefore those targets are constrained from responding to personal attacks in the preferred forthright and manly fashion. And when the meanest of the bunch do get pushback, they clutch their pearls and perform the most elaborate soccer-flops and screech that they’ve been attacked. Ick.
I, too, have been constrained from taking the gloves off because I’m the editor of the newspaper. A certain decorum is expected. Bah! Don’t like that much. That sort of discretion enables the backshooters; they rely upon it. And then there is, of course, the steroid effect of the internet, which makes the critic-chorus feel much bigger, braver and tougher than they actually are…
You get the picture. Frustrating.
Féraud and d’Hubert take a dim view of incivility.
It’s had a real effect. There’s been a rash of resignations on the volunteer city council, and other civic institutions have had a hard time recruiting qualified people because they have an understandable reluctance to volunteer to put themselves in the cross-hairs of unaccountable keyboard-commando critics.
Which tends to cede the field to the type that playwright George Bernard Shaw so despised — the “feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”
For a lot of folks, this sort of thing is quite distressing. They live in a nice place and they want their public discourse to be civil and they don’t like getting called names, receiving nasty emails and the like. All perfectly understandable.
My own approach has been to simply draw a line and if someone steps over it, they’re done. No more platform, no more attention, no more fun for them. I don’t read their screeds or allow them free rent in my head. And I REALLY don’t give a shit if they think mean thoughts about me, cuz there is only a handful of people whose opinion of me I value — and they’re not on the list. Not entirely satisfying, but adequate I suppose.
Some perspective is in order. This ain’t Deadwood. Our local kerfuffles are not really all that fraught and contentious in comparison to the goings on in the big bad world outside our lovely enclave at the foot of the Cascades. Just look down the road to Burns, where the armed takeover at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge really ruptured a community…
Still, people here were feeling intimidated or distressed enough to adopt a “civility project” to set voluntary groundrules for discourse through a formal program called “Speak Your Peace.”
Its nine principles are as follows:
- Pay Attention. Be aware and attend to the world and the people around you.
- Listen. Focus on others in order to better understand their points of view.
- Be Inclusive. Welcome all groups of citizens working for the greater good of the community.
- Don’t Gossip. And don’t accept when others choose to do so.
- Show Respect. Honor other people and their opinions, especially in the midst of disagreement.
- Be Agreeable. Look for opportunities to agree; don’t contradict just to do so.
- Apologize. Be sincere and repair damaged relationships.
- Give Constructive Criticism. When disagreeing, stick to the issues and don’t make a personal attack.
- Take Responsibility. Don’t shift responsibility and blame onto others; share disagreements publicly.
Well, OK. These are worthy principles by which to conduct public discourse. But it don’t satisfy somehow.
My buddy Craig Rullman has published his own rules:
Don’t be a pussy.
Know what it is you think you know.
Have at least 3 alternative proposals
Come prepared to be disagreed with.
Come prepared to lose the argument.
Come prepared to live with losing the argument gracefully.
Practice listening before speaking.
Know when to shut up.
Assume other people in the room are also intelligent, until they prove otherwise.
I do like like those — and they place the most critical rule at the top — one that is missing from “Speak Your Peace”:
Don’t be a pussy.
Courage — physical and social — is the key virtue without which no others matter. Most of the local civility problem has to do with failing to shut bullies down. Or just blow them off. To refuse to be bullyragged and intimidated or driven out of the debate by fear of retaliation or outraged and abraded feelings.
But still, I crave something with a little more bite…
Ah… would that these community spats could be resolved the old-fashioned way. What we need here is a good, old-fashioned duel or three. Which brings me to Barbara Holland’s delightful book Gentlemen’s Blood: A History of Dueling from Swords at Dawn to Pistols at Dusk.
What a hoot! Holland’s wry, morbid humor leavens a serious account of how men (and it’s mostly men, with a couple of glorious exceptions) have resorted to washing out stains to their honor in blood.
This is not Speak Your Peace. This is Let Your Piece Speak.
Despite her humorous tone, Holland isn’t mocking this deeply traditional phenomenon. Dueling may be A Bad Thing, but it sure satisfies some fundamental sense of justice — that being that people should be accountable for what they do and say to and about other people.
There was much to like about the duel. It was a regulated way for one man to prevail over another when he felt the need to do so, and an improvement over the informal ambush or sending out henchmen to break an enemy’s skull by night on the highway. It had rules enforced by peer pressure that respectable men respected. Its gratifications were more immediate than the gratifications of successful lawsuits, which in early times could take years or decades to settle…
The basic bread-and-butter duel was fought to cleanse one’s honor after an insult, real or fancied. This may even have improved the general level of civility, since death is a stiff price to pay for calling your neighbor a poltroon.
There are probably some legal issues, but perhaps we should launch that kind of civility project here in the old home town. Instead of workshops and breakout sessions we can have clinics on the technique of smallsword, backsword and sabre, and instruction in the art of loading and firing the flintlock pistol. Community screenings and discussion of The Duellists and Rob Roy. Men will once again, as in days of yore, know what it is to say, “I am not left handed.”
I know such a program would receive editorial support from the local rag, and this town is brimming with songwriters to compose and sing ballads about ace duellists, and painters and sculptors who can immortalize them in their moment of satisfied honor (or honorable demise).
There’s gotta be grant funding out there somewhere.
Damned if I can see a downside…
Think what this could do for tourism.
A couple of French politicians fought a duel in 1967.
lane batot says
And people wonder why I live out in the woods with a bunch of animals! Wish I could offer some helpful suggestions, but other than becoming a hermit, I don’t got none. The Lakota and Cheyenne chiefs had a saying in the old days; “When a dog lifts its leg to my lodge, I will not notice”–in regards to common folk bad mouthing them or causing dissent of one kind or another. But that’s a CHIEF–someone with above average leadership characteristics. Us common sorts, it is my belief, need to boot that mutt in the arse now and then, before it rots the lodge cover out! There was a tradition, in old, old Lakota society, of KILLING liars who spread dissent in the tribe–such selfish tactics that could seriously disrupt the group were considered worthy of naught but DEATH. Wouldn’t that weed out a lot of behavior problems these days? Certainly would IMMEDIATELY be a great population control technique! The planet might be rather sparsely populated with bipedal primates after such a dictate! But even such primitive human societies still had their issues, not unlike ours today. Hence that other Lakota saying; “Gossip is spoken behind the palm, but has a way of leaking through the fingers….”
JimC says
You are wonderful Lane.
lane batot says
Well….maybe–in a peripheral, animalistic, reclusive sorta way…..
JimC says
Zacktly.
lane batot says
….and of course you KNOW that Conan quote is one of my fave-o-rites!
John says
Jim,
A couple of decades ago, there was a popular movement that endorsed letting people with a beef go at it with big foam Bataka Bats. Then, the shrinks got a hold of it, and determined that it escalated anger, rather than diffusing it, and pooped on the whole deal. My point is, it would be nice to find ways to physically express our differences at a level less damaging than dueling.
I do believe, however, that an armed society is a polite society. Unfortunately, too many folks out there who would take that to an extreme, as well. The road rage killing in New Orleans a couple of weeks ago, for instance. Eight rounds of .45 – yikes!
On another note, I have used a management technique for many years, and to good effect, primarily with employees, but occasionally with vendors. I will say, “Please don’t make me break my foot off in your ass.” It is important to include the “please”, by the way. It usually short-circuited whatever action or behavior that I was addressing. It became a running joke of sorts. Sometimes, they would preempt me by saying, “I know, don’t make you break your foot off in my ass.” before I could express it. Cognitive awareness at work.
BTW, it seems like the best part of the whole dueling thing would be the challenge. Smacking someone across the face with your gauntlet seems like it would be very satisfying. One can dream.
John C.
JimC says
There you go creating a hostile work environment.
Unfortunately, “an armed society is a polite society” does not seem to be borne out by the evidence. We have plenty of arms and are yet a rude and discourteous people. Arms and a code are what is required. Code Duello.
JB Books said it best in The Shootist: I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a-hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.
That’s really all that’s required, think. Then you can go to your grave with that magnificent epitaph Danny O’Keefe provided for Waylon Jennings. “He took no shit, but he was a very kind man.”
Matthew says
One of the things I noticed when reading about famous soldiers and lawmen is that a lot of the toughest people around are fairly mild mannered: Alvin York, Audie Murphy, William Fairbairn. They were all polite. This isn’t necessarily true, but a lot of rude people are only that way because they think they can get away with it.
Some people seem to mistake acting this way as a sign of strength. Mostly, it means there spoiled and entitled.
JimC says
Truth.
John says
Part of that rudeness may be cultural. Back when I was studying Shotokan karate, Master Tsutomu Ohshima observed that in America, many people were initially rude, and became polite when threatened, whereas in Japan, most are inherently polite, and become rude when threatened. I found his observations very interesting, as he had a foot in both cultures.
John C.
JimC says
Wow, that’s quite a telling observation — one that does not reflect well upon our culture. We can only strive to be better exemplars.
lane batot says
…and THIS(still flogging away on this subject…) reminds me of a kind of funny-in-a -depressing-kinda-way-story. When I went to “work” in Tanzania with Dr. Jane Goodall one summer(long, long ago), it was my FIRST ever trip “abroad”(my last, so far, actually!). Of course out in the bush in Africa, things can be a bit different culturally to what we spoiled rotten Westerners are used to, to make an understatement! So Jane, from hard experience with both American and European hired help and students, tended to wisely have a little sit-down talk explaining some basics on etiquette with the locals! One of the things that was mandatory, was that when encountering ANYONE, if you yourself had not already sung out “Jambo!”(Swahili for “hello”), you sure as heck did immediately following their inevitable greeting! Not acknowledging someone’s presence was just the rudest of the rude! Only a serious enemy would be so insulting! I was rather confused that Jane felt the need to explain THAT–“Jane, I’m from the SOUTH–I KNOW to sing out “howdy”!(dare I bring up reference to that great old Uncle Remus slave tale of “Brer Rabbit and de Tar Baby”? Alas, all those beloved stories are SOOOO politically incorrect these days!) But as I learned while abroad, alas, the RUDEST, most conceited, tiresome, spoiled, selfish arseholes were almost always AMERICANS! Mainly Yankees, if I do say so–Yankees from large Northern cities, in pertikuler. I was APALLED at the bad manners of most of my countrymen, and bent over backwards while I was there to try and give the Africans a different, better perspective on our culture. I got along with everyone fine–EXCEPT one local dude who DID NOT answer “Jambo” to me once. I repeated the greeting several times, but he WOULD NOT acknowledge me. Turns out he was a local “bad” witch doctor trying to put a curse on Jane’s house–hence his understandable rudeness! I got rude myself during the process, and disrupted things with some good, old fashioned Lakota chanting! But that’s another long story…….
JimC says
Wonderful tale as always. I think Americans’ rudeness is simply profound self-absorption. I remember being in Quebec I think in 1994, the day before a referendum on secession from Canada. Kinda a big deal. We had an excellent English-speaking tour guide who, as we were headed to the Plains of Abraham, where Wolfe won Canada for the Brits, was explaining the ins and outs and pros and cons of secession and some woman pipes up and asks, “Do you know who won the Mets game?”
Best example of the Ugly American I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, all of the rest of us Americans vociferously told her to shut her gob and learn something, so there’s that…
john roberts says
Bowie knives in a sawpit, that’s the way to handle it.
JimC says
Decisively.
JimC says
A note regarding Holland’s comment: “Its gratifications were more immediate than the gratifications of successful lawsuits, which in early times could take years or decades to settle…”
That ain’t just early times. An attorney recently told me that it’s taking two years to get a court date in Deschutes County Circuit Court. Two years! Which tells me that there are WAY to many court cases. The Frontier Partisans Civility Project would have the salutatory effect of clearing the civil docket. Yeah, I know, there might be OTHER legal considerations, but they can be worked out, right?
Craig Rullman says
This is a terrific post, truly grand. Anything involving groupthink–breakout sessions, workshops, welcoming or honoring sessions, or any of the various and sundry cons designed to “enhance” our “understanding” and essentially turn us all into sensitivity drones and overly nuanced neuters nancing around the village green like stacks of jello makes me ill. That we have public figures buying into this charade and actually spending time on it is worse. I get it–you volunteered. You don’t need this shit. Intensity frightens you and turns the snow globe upside down. Well, okay, but it comes with the territory. Pull up your Big Boy Pants and realize that the world is, always has been, and always will be, full of jackwagons. If you volunteer for public service, realize and accept that you have just asked for the entire wagon to be dumped on your head. Sometimes daily. Should people act that way? No. Will they always act that way? Yes. It’s Barnes v Elias in Platoon: Here’s the way the world is, here’s the way it ought to be. It will always be tough, and public discourse is rarely civil in a democracy–except in 50’s television shows. Ask Lincoln, or MLK, guys who paid the ultimate price and suffered far more difficult times than anyone in our fair burg has faced arguing about tree-falling and roundabouts, or suffering the enormous conceits of small town managers. Vitriol and discomfort come with being a leader–it’s tough, it sucks, but there it is. What did Burke say about the triumph of evil? At any rate, I’m for dueling. Pistols at dawn, I choose Cornelius as my second.
JimC says
Honored sir!
Saddle Tramp says
[…] You can ride the wheels into the sun
Feel the wind upon your face
Or you can laugh into a loaded gun
And you’ll likely lose your place…
Robert Earl Keen
Whenever Kindness Fails
http://youtu.be/MkeUGU5ejS0
“Whenever Kindness Fails”
I crossed the desert on a dining car
In the spring of ninety-one
I met some people drinking at the bar
They were laughing, having fun
I told ’em that I hadn’t heard the joke
That was so hilarious
They said that I was just a dumb cowpoke
I didn’t want to make a fuss
So I shot ’em down, one by one
Then I left ’em ‘long the rails
I use my gun
Whenever kindness fails
The moon was in the sign of Scorpio
The sun was at my back
I didn’t know how far the train would go
Until the law would find my track
I saw the brakeman and the engineer
Drinking wine and eating Brie
I asked ’em who would brake and who would steer
They started pointing back at me
So I shot ’em down, one by one
Then I left ’em ‘long the rails
I use my gun
Whenever kindness fails
I only have a moment to explain
Just a chance to let you know
When it’s time for you to board the train
There are two ways you can go
You can ride the wheels into the sun
Feel the wind upon your face
Or you can laugh into a loaded gun
And you’ll likely lose your place
So I shot ’em down, one by one
Then I left ’em ‘long the rails
I use my gun
Whenever kindness fails
Yeah I shot ’em down, one by one
Then I left ’em ‘long the rails
When I use my gun
That lonesome whistle wails
JimC says
Oh, that’s perfect. Game, set, match to Saddle Tramp! Or, as the kids say — mic drop!
Keith West says
Dang it, Jim, my wife is going to challenge you to a duel if you don’t quit posting about books I just have to buy. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I’m just trying to figure out when I’m going to find time to read them.
Now to go watch those video clips.
JimC says
Heh!
lane batot says
….not quite ready to turn this post subject lose–I ain’t much fer civilized duels my ownself–by the time things get THAT serious, it’s all about Apache ambush tactics for my preference! I think “turning the other cheek” is a good philosophy generally, but heck, I only got FOUR cheeks, after I’ve turned all those, ain’t no more mister nice guy from me! I know that along with “an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth”(what was it said in “Fiddler On The Roof”, I believe–“so we all end up blind and toothless!”), the good book also states “vengeance is mine, saith the Lord”(SUCH a contradictory book, that Bible–not to mention the Koran…..)–I kinder like HELPIN’ the Lord out a bit sometimes, seein’ as how He’s(?) so busy and all…..yeah, I could write a BOOK myself on my many guerrilla/gorilla campaigns against some of my enemies in the past(and I think the statute of limitations is up on most of those campaigns….)! Sometimes FRONTIER JUSTICE is the only way to get justice!…..to be continued…..
lane batot says
….still tenderizing this horse meat….my comment about my Apache ambush tactics of the past reminded me of a scene in one of my favorite, romanticized-to-the-point-of-ridiculousness Western movies. Of all the respectable, incredible work Paul Newman did, it IS ridiculous that my favorite movie of his was that quirky, crazy, “The Life And Times Of Judge Roy Bean”! Remember when that outlaw “Whitey” the albino showed up(played by Stacy Keach, if I’m rememberin’ right…) and called the good Judge out into the street for a duel/gunfight? Yeah, I completely relate to Beano plugging him in the back while hidden in the barn loft!
JimC says
Another Milius offering…
lane batot says
Awright! I hadn’t realized it was also a Milius effort! Well, no wonder I liked it so much!
lane batot says
…….from an Anthropological perspective(which I DID major in that stuff when I got sent to the “Reservation” for civilizin’–mainly because I flunked outta most everything else– flunked subjects mostly outta sheer BOREDOM! But I took to Anthropology like a duck to water!….) lack of civility might be partially explained by a coupla theories I’ve developed observing, and being forced to work amongst, bipedal primates over the years…..One is that some people actually get an ENDORPHIN release when they are rude, underhanded, manipulative liars–I unfortunately have such a co-worker I’m dealing with now(I’m trying some new ju-ju out on his arse….). Other people get an endorphin release doing KIND, NICE things, but alas, I firmly believe some jerks get a chemical rush putting others down–often the ONLY pleasure those negative types have in their miserable, wretched little lives, from my observations……to be continued…..
JimC says
There is no doubt in my mind that you are correct on this. Anger, especially self-righteous anger, is a drug, and like all drugs requires progressively larger hits to get the high. That’s definitely in play for many people.
lane batot says
……another theory I have regarding hateful, sociopathic behavior in humans, is that it is somehow SOCIALLY TRANSMITTED–not just not being “raised right”, but by continuous association–like when perfectly sane people get committed unjustly to insane asylums, but they eventually go insane themselves being surrounded by crazies all the time(this HAS actually happened….). I swear, sometimes, the way I see the majority of folks behaving these days, feel like I’m in a real life “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers”, and I’m the LAST human left! Or the opposite–I’m an alien abandoned on this planet by neglectful intergalactic parental units…….
JimC says
I think that seeing bad behavior modeled (and coddled) creates a “permissive environment.”
lane batot says
….However, it was quite uncivil of me to have said that, without mentioning that upon finding a blog like “Frontier Partisans”, I no longer feel quite so alone in the world!(human-wise, that is–I have always had PLENTY of animal company and socializin’ goin’ on!)….
JimC says
We are a far-flung, yet closely-knit tribe and we delight in your company, amigo.
lane batot says
……Rude pompousness often is created by those, I have observed, with little real “hands-on” experience in life, and they have inadvertently cultivated ENORMOUS EGOS in the process(close contact with real life tends to have a humbling effect…)–in fact, an ENORMOUS EGO is purty much a GUARANTEE that that person has had very little real life experience in things. The problem with yer average ENORMOUS EGO, is that they ironically, but commonly, come saddled with a deep-seated insecurity–I liken egos to BALLOONS–the fuller of hot air they get, the more fragile they become, hence the instinctive need in such bloated egos to belittle and demean everyone around them to continue to convince themselves of their superiority…….
JimC says
X-ring in every respect.
Rav says
Well said. From experience I can state you don’t have to sit through a mediation with the other sides corporate lawyers very long before you wish dueling was still in fashion. Too many alleged “men” or “adults” hide behind the law ( too often meaning one side has both time & money to waste on legal fees ) over what is right or honorable. Heinlein wasn’t totally wrong to state “An armed society is a polite society”…
JimC says
Thx, Rav. Glad to have you here.
Cort Horner says
Great article, Jim. Reminds me of an experience I heard about from a player for one of the most successful athletic programs in state history. I’ll get to that.
We had an opportunity a year or two ago to host players for a state all-star team that was playing a game in our little city in the foothills. Great to meet several of the players from around the state, and I asked one of them what they thought made their team so successful year after year. The response: “Our coach gets all of us together before we ever touch a ball in practice. We go into the wrestling room and he asks us who we dislike the most on the team. Then we wrestle with them one on one until there’s a winner.”
I asked if this builds any resentment among teammates. “Just the opposite – it brings us all together, and coach tells us that we may battle each other sometimes when the uniform are off, but when we put them on, we go to battle together. It really makes us respect how tough our teammates are, and know we can depend on them.”
Awesome words from a 17-year old. Wise beyond their years. Coached up in a way that encourages them to deal with their issues one on one but have each others’ back when it’s game time.
That team? The Sutherlin Bulldogs GIRLS basketball team. The smallest school in the 4A division with about 365 kids. Just won their 3rd straight state title in a year they weren’t supposed to. Coached by one of the winningest coaches in state history, Bill Spelgatti who until his passing last year at over 80 years old, continued to help coach the team he led for almost 35 years.
Yep, high school girls (wo)mano a (wo)mano in the wrestling room dealing with problems like most men won’t.
And the resulting success of that group speaks volumes about the methodology.
JimC says
That is utterly FANTASTIC.