Long-time readers of Frontier Partisans know that I seldom slag off on bad creative work. I much prefer to extoll things I like and find of value, and I tend to simply remain silent on that which I disdain.
This, however, cannot pass unremarked. Indeed, it begs for a broadside. Ready guns, full complement…
MGM+ is vandalizing Treasure Island. I withheld skeptical judgement about this project until the trailer hit, and I cannot find another word for it other than abomination. Look for yourself, then I’ll recount the many sins these cursed lubbers crammed into a 2-minute trailer. My language may get salty; me timbers are sorely shivered. Ye be warned.
We will leave aside for the moment the most obvious deviation from the source material; it is not the casting of David Oyelowo as Long John Silver that pisses in me grog. I can readily enough be sold on a version of the tale in which Silver is a man of African descent — analogous to Caesar of Edward Teach’s crew. And Oyelowo has charisma to burn.
Art by Greg Manchess.
Nay, in my estimation the sin originates in turning Jim Hawkins’ mother into Bess MILF Hawkins, Badass Beatch of the Caribbean. Treasure Island is, above all, a coming-of-age story of a boy leaving hearth, home and mother to venture out into perilous waters where he must take up the responsibilities of a man. Bringing “clever and decisive” Girl Boss Mom along diminishes Jim story.
And WTF is with this Billy Bones? Billy Bones is the catalyst for the action of Treasure Island. Jim describes him on page 1:
I remember him as if it were yesterday, as he came plodding to the inn door, his sea-chest following behind him in a hand-barrow—a tall, strong, heavy, nut-brown man, his tarry pigtail falling over the shoulder of his soiled blue coat, his hands ragged and scarred, with black, broken nails, and the sabre cut across one cheek, a dirty, livid white. I remember him looking round the cove and whistling to himself as he did so, and then breaking out in that old sea-song that he sang so often afterwards:
“Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest—
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!”
Billy Bones is a sot. A paranoid one.
This is Billy Bones:
This image might lure us into thinking they got the old seadog right — or at least close enough.
Be not fooled, mates! WTF is this? Suave-n-Sexy Bones?
It appears that MILF Hawkins gets snoggy with one Aaron Graham.
Don’t remember an Aaron Graham from Treasure Island? He wasn’t there. It’s a new character, some kind of British agent. Because Robert Louis Stevenson didn’t give us enough plot, right?
No, apparently not. We need to “reimagine” it to this:
“When Jim Hawkins gets his hands on a legendary treasure map, his mother Bess’s clever and decisive actions leave him holding valuable knowledge that puts both of their lives in danger. Sailing aboard The Hispaniola, Jim and Bess are caught between the charming, terrifying pirate Long John Silver, and the debonair, duplicitous British agent Aaron Graham. Jim has to grow up fast as he and his mother fight for survival on a voyage where alliances shift, secrets multiply and peril closes in from all sides.”
Avast that shite!
Look, I don’t mind some artful tinkering with classics. My favorite TV show of all time, Black Sails, is, in part, a prequel to Treasure Island, and it gives us back story on characters that doesn’t exist (or is hinted at) in Stevenson. But that was done with serious intent, and deep respect for the original material. I might add, the female characters in Black Sails are magnificent — damaged, yet sometimes downright regal, not ludicrous caricatures of a “strong woman.”
And, well, Black Sails was good. This turd scraped out of the Hispaniola’s head is clearly not good, and it’s not just the clunky dialog that is a tip-off. There’s a big tell that the makers do not give a single shit about what ought to be their target audience — people who love pirate lore of the 18th Century.
Is that a 19th Century percussion pistol Long John Silver is wielding? Nah, couldn’t be. The filmmakers couldn’t possibly be that negligent…
Well, actually, yes they can. With two different pistols.
And, apparently, when you do fire a proper flintlock pistol, it wrenches your arm sideways with recoil. Cuz, that’s what old guns do, me hearties!
Now, you might argue that I’m being pedantic about firearms, and I am a little susceptible to that. But upon the blasted bones of Bartholomew Roberts, we’re not talking about a slightly period-incorrect anachronism or a cringy replica here and there. The percussion lock is a technology that would not be in use for 60 to 80 years after the time period. Why not just give Silver a Navy Colt revolver?
This, to me, is a clear indication that the filmmakers don’t respect their audience. It’s not hard to get this stuff at least approximately right. I gritted my teeth for a couple of Outlander seasons over Jamie Fraser’s Pedersoli generic replica flintlock rifle. Not really fitting for the character — but at least it was a flintlock in the general style of the era. To their credit, the property masters upped their game and gave Fraser a proper Kibler Colonial for the Revolutionary War.
The makers of this piece of flotsam clearly think it doesn’t matter or that people won’t notice. Again… what ought to be their core audience — we who knows our pirate lore — sure as hell will notice. And we will be most displeased.
I’d like to see Treasure Island adapted at least once every generation. It’s a wonderful yarn. It doesn’t need to be “reimagined.” It just needs to be retold with care and verve and passion for the source material. As the great pirate scholar (or is that scholar-pirate?) Benerson Little says:
“Why revise perfection?”
I know some folks enjoy letting loose a rant, and some folks are entertained by them. I don’t, really, and I hate to impose one on the campfire. But this bilge demanded an answer, and one little short of calling for a keelhauling. Truly, the only thing to be done is to run out the guns, touch off a broadside, and blow this abomination to Davy Jones.
the Black Tyrone says
If it ain’t broke and a classic leave it alone. The origial RLS will remain long after the others are forgotten. That is what a classic means. Nice art pics though. Billy Bones in the Heston version is my favorite redition of same. Can’t beat Paddy and the Chieftain’s sound track!
JimC says
Aye! Oliver Reed was perfect as Bones. That 1990 adaptation was solid — and the music is just right.
deuce says
I watched it when it first aired and bought the DVD a few years ago. It was one of several films that Heston and his son did together. A great adaptation and probably the best film from Heston’s sunset years.
Matthew Ilseman says
I don’t really judge things I haven’t seen but this looks bad. There seems to be a kind of antipathy to traditional masculine stories. I imagine this is supposedly to fight sexism or something but if it is does not seem to be working because a lot of men online seem really mad at women. Maybe better to leave old stories like this alone and make your own thing (and make it good.)
Fletcher Vredenburgh says
Thanks for pointing out this tripe. Yeah, I’ll stick with Charlton Heston or Robert Newton. Really, how hard would it have been to do it right instead of pissing all over RLS?
JimC says
I have dipped back into the 1990 version and it’s remarkable how faithful an adaptation it was — using much of Stevenson’s original dialogue. There is art and honor in a faithful adaptation, but there seems to be other agendas at play.
Fletcher Vredenburgh says
Not to sound too much like a certain crowd of folks these days, but it seems a straightforward boy’s adventure tale isn’t acceptable anymore.
The Black Tyrone says
Sound like it Fletcher! Sound like it. Wear your RLS, Rudtard Kipling, A Conan Doyle, H R Haggard, and Mark Twain hat with pride.
Fletcher Vredenburgh says
Gladly!
The Black Tyrone says
Ihere are so many “worthies” ignored today. I read Howard Pyle’s “Men of Iron” as a youth. Needs to be made into a boy’s adventure film. Surprisingly gritty too. What “kid” does’nt like Knights? Pyle a fine illustrator/artist too What ever your 5th grade teacher thought, “Classics illustrated” rounded out my world side by side with DC, Marvel, Dell, Gold Key and the like. Hey…. Turock Son of Stone and the Phantom (took my son to see the Phantom with Billy Zane many years ago was a kick.) Good film age 9-12. Last thought and than enough is enough, why did Robin Hood become a babbling old self hating remorseful psycho?
deuce says
Turok rocks. A legendary killer of honkers.
deuce says
And, yes, Pyle’s book is quite worthy. He was a towering figure from an era of towering figures. Pyle visually crystallized how we see ‘pirates’ and his students and THEIR students revolutionized American art.
deuce says
I beseech you, Jim, hold back no longer and tell us how you honestly feel.
Seriously, though, this looks and sounds like shite on a shite biscuit. I’ll admit that I’m not really surprised. We should be beyond that at this point.
Quixotic Mainer says
Lest you regret nitpicking them for those obvious cheap percussion kit guns, I would point out that the Muppet Treasure Island had proper flintlocks…
As with so many things, when I detect the warning signs of a “reimagined for modern audiences” ambuscade, I’ll simply ride around it. Hard to fall for the cultural psy op if you refuse to ingest their swill.
deuce says
“the Muppet Treasure Island had proper flintlocks…”
You’re setting a high bar there, QM!
‘when I detect the warning signs of a “reimagined for modern audiences” ambuscade, I’ll simply ride around it.’
An effective combat maneuver in these troubled times.
Quixotic Mainer says
It’s safer for both the horses and our souls!
Padre says
At least the Henson family approaches their work with respect for the original story. The Muppet Christmas Carol breathes the spirit of Dickens, even amongst the Muppet wackiness.
My wife says the Muppet Christmas Carol was so good because Michael Caine acted as though the Muppets were human, whereas in Muppet Treasure Island Tim Curry acted like he was a muppet.
JimC says
Oh, that’s great.
Brian H. says
…still take it over 3/4ths of the crap that’s being thrown at us on the little screen or the big
Stanley says
I hate to see the classics desecrated and a great adventure story for boys ruined by the compulsion to include girl boss drek. The proper way to do that would be to make an original story that incorporates some of the elements or flavor of Treasure Island. That’s what I did, while trying to stay true to the heart of the story as an adventure for boys, when I wrote Accidental Pirates. My book is about twin boys hurled into an alternate history timeline in the Caribbean after their grandpa tells them about Treasure Island. It’s a new and different story but with pirates and flintlocks and dragons.
I’m not opposed remakes of the classics to bring them to a new generation, even with some new twist in the story, but when the soul of the story is changed, it’s not an homage or remake of the classic, it’s a desecration.
JimC says
That’s the way to do it.