Conan the Barbarian premiered in North America this day in history, May 14, 1982. The milestone has led to a tranche of retrospectives popping up in the haunted ruins of civilization that I regularly explore, and I am moved to add my own.
I was 16 in 1982, coming to the end of my junior year in high school. And I was an ardent reader of the works of Robert E. Howard, the doomed Texan who brought Conan of Cimmeria to life in the pages of the pulp magazine Weird Tales in the 1930s. I wasn’t a purist; I read a lot of the pastiche tales written by other authors cashing in on the 1960s/70s boom in “Sword & Sorcery” fiction. But even at 16, I knew that Howard’s original was something different, something deeper and more vibrant.
My older brother John had introduced me to the tales of Conan — mostly by leaving those paperbacks with the eye-popping Frank Frazetta covers out where I could get my paws on them.
We had been anticipating the Conan movie for a while. I remember driving into the Sierras in John’s 1969 Volkswagon van, debating the merits of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan. The hype was that the Austrian Oak was “born to play Conan.” We, who extolled Howard’s (not Marvel Comics’) Conan, begged to differ. No one ever characterized Arnold as “pantherish,” which is a key adjective in Howard’s description of the Cimmerian.
Not that we weren’t keen to see the movie. Oh, we were. We were there for it on opening night, on the magical Brand Boulevard strip of cinemas in Glendale, California. Knocked back several Killian’s Red ales (yeah, I know) and entered an age undreamed of.
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We loved it. Of course we did. It wasn’t Howard’s Conan, but we didn’t care. We went for the ride, and a satisfying ride it was. In later years, upon many VHS rewatches, I came to see how completely this was John Milius’s film. I would go on to meet Milius several times while working for Pachmayr’s trap-skeet-sporting clays range in El Monte, California, and we had a grand conversation about the frontiersman Simon Kenton. Milius always wanted to make a film about the Kentucky Frontier Partisan, and it is sad, indeed, that that film will never be made.
Milius is an outsized character, and his vision is stamped on everything he’s done, from the memorable moments he contributed to Apocalypse Now to the Indianapolis speech in Jaws to the Nietzschean cast he gave to his Conan. In Conan the Barbarian, Milius was indulging his fascination with Genghis Khan and his favorite sport of tweaking hippies. In doing so, he made a good Sword & Sorcery movie that’s not really a good Conan movie. I hold out hope that someone someday will take advantage of the streaming series, which is a perfect format for it, and give us a serial of truly Howardian Conan tales.
I have, however, decided to simply take Conan 1982 on its own terms, as I did when I was 16 — and on those terms, I still love the yarn. Milius was not giving a nod-and-a-wink; his tongue was not in his cheek. He’s a romantic, not an ironist, and that’s what makes Conan 82 a big cut above the standard genre fare that the ’80s inflicted upon the world. Theres nothing camp about it. Milius’s Conan meant business; he took it seriously. He actually cared about his themes and played them through.
Conan’s monologue as the Riders of Doom approach the ruins where he and his buddy Subotai (surfing legend Gerry Lopez) have set up a killhouse resonates to this day. I’ve seen it quoted (allegedly) by and about Ukrainian fighters standing in the face of the Bear:
Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
By Crom, who doesn’t love that?
Milius took advantage of the physicality of the cast for some really dynamic action — without the gigantism that CGI allows to overwhelm so much fantasy storytelling. That climactic Battle of the Mounds is intimate.
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We must tip the hat to Basil Pouledoris for a soundtrack that stands apart and on its own as a magnificent work of art.
Matthew says
I saw the movie before I read Howard so I too took it as what it is. Though, if I had to choose between the two I would definitely choose Howard.
Some characters can be reinterpreted endlessly while others cannot. Milius version aside, I prefer Conan to be as like Howard’s version as possible, but I am still no harden purist. To go off on a bit of a tangent, Batman on the other hand is a character that can vary massively. The Dark Knight has been portrayed as goofy as in the 60s television series and 50s comics and as dark and twisted as Frank Miller’s version. There are a lot of versions in between. Some characters I don’t mind variations and others I do. Sherlock Holmes is another character that I prefer in the original. I can’t imagine a cheerful Hamlet. I have to wonder why that is true for one character and not another.
Quixotic Mainer says
The “Riddle of Steel” always gets me! I found the Howard novels much later than having seen the movies, and was overjoyed to find something I enjoyed much more. All told, I think People of The Black Circle is my favorite, though Beyond the Black River is right behind it.
The Pouledoris soundtrack is an absolute classic! I slapped it on for my inaugural steel mace workout a few weeks back. I’m working on some sort of backyard variation on your FP biathlon where it’s split between the steel mace and archery.
JimC says
Those are my favorites, too, with the order reversed.
That is awesome.
John M Roberts says
I’ve been known to plow this field myself. I have two favorite scenes in this movie and play them over and over. First is the estimable William Smith’s opening monologue as Conan’s dad. But above all I love the “theology scene.” That scene just rings true. A couple of barbarian guys, sitting by their campfire at night, that’s what they’d talk about. Who are your gods? What are they like? It was wonderfully authentic.
JimC says
Yes. And Conan’s scowl at “your god lives underneath them” was wonderful.
Thanatos says
I really liked the movie and its novelization as a teen growing up in Hungary, but after reading Howard’s original tales, it’s safe to say, that it’s a mediocre adaptation. Some would even call it sacrilege. Schwarzenegger was never a good actor, his Conan seems like a moron for most of the film. Red Sonja’s Kalidor is more Conan, than him and we all know, that that character was supposed to be Conan, but Arnie didn’t like it. There’s a huge discussion in the international REH community about who could’ve pulled it off better in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or 80’s. My pick would be Clint Walker or a toned Oliver Reed. The latter would’ve made a good Robert E. Howard too. I appreciate the cheap, but entertaining rip-offs CtB spawned more: The Barbarians, the Deathstalker films, the Ator films, The Beastmaster films, etc.
JimC says
Clint Walker would have been perfect.
Thanatos says
Clint was Conan’s spitting image. But some say he was too nice of a person to play such a gray character. He could’ve been the perfect Superman though, just like Henry Cavill, if they’d let him play Superman as the Big Blue Boy Scout for once.
A young Reed (check out Hammer’s Curse of the Werewolf, this movie got me thinking about him being a good Conan) on the other hand oozed wickedness, just like Sonny Landham did in the 1980s. The latter would’ve only needed some blue contacts to turn into Conan.
Vinny Singh says
At least once a year, when no one else is home, I take out the “Conan” DVD and watch it. And a CD of the soundtrack is always in my car for long drives.
There was a fair bit of sardonic humor in the film. Like when Valeria bumps into Conan and Subotai outside the Serpent temple and realising they are clueless about what they’re facing tells them -“You go first!”
Or when a chained Subotai first meets Conan outside the witche’s hut-he first boasts about how he is a great warrior-then looking down at his chains remarks and now” I’m food for wolves”
Vinny Singh says
The monlogue and whole scene at the battle of the Mounds is is very similar to the final battle in the 13th Warrior with the deeply affecting death prayers by the Vikings and Arab as they faced the massed cavalry charge.
JimC says
Yes!
Old Joe says
I was a high school sophomore walking past the drugstore book rack when I saw Frazetta’s Conan daring me to buy that paperback. I couldn’t pry the meager funds from the pocket of my jeans fast enough. It was ’67 and my mind’s eye saw Jack Palance swinging that sword. And I suspect Frank Frazetta may have too. I think Palance would have been perfect for the role.
JimC says
He’d have done it justice for sure.
Vinny Singh says
I second Jack Palance for role-the man could sneer, gloat and laugh in a way that wooden Arnie can’t -much as I enjoyed Arnold for his sheer raw power.
lane batot says
I was not terribly fond of the movie when it first debuted, being too nit-picky in how I expected the character to be portrayed(I saw it in the theatre, lo, those many years ago….), but I LOVED the Soundtrack from the get go! I got the soundtrack on a record album first, now have it on CD as well. Rich, exotic, and beautiful music! Over time, I have re-watched the film, and learned to like it better with each viewing–if not truly Howardian, I think it is still a decent tribute to this iconic character. To me, Arnie is not so much a sensitive, dramatic actor, so much as a COMIC one! And I find it hard to dislike any of his performances and the celebrity persona always visible behind them! He always seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself, with a wink to the viewers. I DO hope he finally does a film portraying an aging Conan, as I’ve heard has been bandied about…..And I would expect such a portrayal to be largely tongue-in-cheek!